To trust or not to trust

Well, it’s nearly 1:30 in the morning with an interview scheduled at 10 A.M., and of course, I can’t sleep. So, since I have a million thoughts running around in my head, maybe if I write some of them down I will be able to sleep.

Trust… The word sounds sturdy, doesn’t it? It calls up sentiments like “in God we trust” — things that are solid and strong and everlasting. Yet the feeling itself is as ephemeral as fairy dust and moonbeams. It’s hard to give one’s trust and even harder to lose it. And even worse to lose the ability at all.

I’ve come to realize in recent times that somewhere in my childhood, I stopped trusting, with the general exception of family, who I’ve known all my life. I must have trusted at some point as a child, but the memory is lost. I had friends then, but they turned against me for silly, childish reasons… funny that something like that should have such lasting repercussions. Along the line, I became unwilling to want anything from people because I feared being let down. I was lonely and unhappy, but to scared to try to fix it. I felt the lack, but until somewhat recently, I didn’t even really know what I was missing. I?ve been afraid to want a more interesting job, better grades, friends, even afraid to want people to like me.

That slowly began to change when I got to college. I was surprised to find that there were people who liked me and wanted to be around me. I began to have fun. Yet I didn’t realize how long of a journey back it would be until I was on my way. I enjoyed myself but there was still no one I trusted. Even now there are precious few people who I would even think of opening up to. Then someone came into my life who turned everything upside down. Somehow I let him get closer to me than anyone I can remember. I started to trust him… or as close to trusting as I could. I believed that he cared about me, but it was very hard to put aside my fear and really trust in that belief. There have been many trials and tribulations along the way and times when I felt I trusted but couldn’t quite stand up to the test. Again, slowly, I think that is truly changing. I still fear and worry, and I know I can be prickly at times but I can only hope that he understands why. It is a friendship that is important to me.

My belief for tomorrow is the realization that one can still be hurt, no matter how much one tries to prevent it and that it is better to take the opportunities one has for enjoyment to cast light on the pains, large and small, that will come in between. Fear does not protect you… maybe happiness will. Always I look for the strength to find it.

Good night.

Mmm, happy hour at New Deck

Okay, so I haven’t had much chance to go out and drink legally, gimme a break. :P But it was fun, anything with Gamma Sig or APO type people is always, umm, interesting. :)

Mary Kay says, “[GSS] is growing like sea monkeys in the fish tank under my bed.”

Drexel’s bookstore is full of morons. Seriously. They swore up and down that the manufacturer said my DB class’s book wasn’t available and sent them this other one. So I bought it. Of course, we find out now, in the 8th freaking week of the term that, well, guess what, most of the class has the wrong damn book. And we wondered why the professor’s page numbers for examples didn’t make any sense. Oy…

Ugh, I get the interview request results for co-op back tomorrow… while that is a good thing in terms of possibly getting a job (oh yeah, and that money stuff, that’d help), it means I have to schedule more interviews. Yuck… Oh no, return of the ellipsis! And I was doing so well…

Run away, run away.


X-Men, Y-Men, Z-Men

I added the car page that I forgot I had a link to (there, are you happy now, Yoni?) and tinkered with things in general.

I got to see X-Men this weekend. It was pretty cool surprisingly enough. I think they did a good job of keeping with the spirit of the cartoon. (I’ve never read the comic.) The characters were well done, too. It was an enjoyable experience, all in all. Oh yeah, and mmm, Patrick Stewart. :)

Unexpected Side Trip

Ahh, it’s good to be home. How does a simple trip to my parents’ house for a doctor’s appointment end up in a 5 some hour drive to upstate PA (Franklin)? Well, it did, and let me tell you, that is not a nice fun drive. but I did get to drive my aunt’s ‘98 mustang. Oh yeah, baby. :) Of course, I couldn’t go more than 5 mph over the speed limit before she started flipping, but it’s still a sweet car.

I am too tired to write anything interesting tonight. Too much driving and now I have to get up tomorrow and make plans and return emails since I was unexpectedly absent.

Mmm, sleep…

I love my family

Jersey sucks. Driving in Jersey sucks. Driving in the rain sucks. Driving in the rain in jersey sucks so much words fail me. Oh yeah, and circles are the devil.

On the other hand, I love my car and I love the fact that I got a parking space across the street from my apartment tonight.

I also love my family. Despite people going “huh?” when I try to explain my family tree due to the amount of divorces, etc, my family is pretty damn cool when you get down to it. Compared to the problems that some people have that make them hate their family, I have it pretty good. My mother and father are awesome. I love spending time with the majority of my family and they are the people who I know will always love me, no matter what. And that, my friends, is a truly wonderful thing. For someone like me, who has a hard time trusting people, unconditional love is hard to find… And even when I find it, I can’t always recognize it. I cannot express enough the appreciation and love I have for those people in my life who are always there for me.

I love these rare times when all seems right with the world. :)

Now, back to redesigning the web page.