circle of life

blah blah blah… same ol’ schtick over and over again.

i hate that.

Shadow Boxing

I hate coming back to the same arguments with myself over and over. This little voice starts telling me that I’m not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, assertive enough… the laundry list goes on. I know that’s not really true, but it’s hard to believe it sometimes. And I wonder why I’m so alone, why there’s only been one guy in my whole life who was able to reach across the loneliness surrounding me and that wasn’t meant to last. Sure, plenty of people say I’m nice and funny and such, but there are precious few that I honestly feel I can call good friends, let alone close ones. I just want someone to share life with, both joys and sorrows, laughter and tears, understanding and respect. I know that it doesn’t have to work the first time around and I got over that, but I’m still left with the problem of how to fill the emptiness in my life that was suddenly made more acute. I don’t know how. I come back to the same missing link in my life over and over and I just don’t know.

Time to stop wallowing, signing off.

working girl

well, it’s back to work for co-op this week. it seems like a nice place to work (and it pays nicely) so we shall see how the work goes.

New York, New York

I’m up in the North Country for the week visiting my father. It’s nice and quiet and very pretty here but I won’t mind getting back to where things actually happen. At least my father has a cable modem now so I can be online without tying up his phone line. (You know you’re in the boonies when you only get analog cell coverage… and that is spotty at best.) It seems things will be happening sooner than I thought since I’m starting my co-op job nearly a week earlier than I had expected. But hey, I figure it means I get a paycheck sooner and that’s definitely a good thing.

I love vacation.

Invest in U-Haul

I hate moving… I still hurt from yesterday. (yeah, I should get in shape one of these days.) Not to mention the myriad of boxes that is still in my old apartment. College seems like just one move after another, what a PITA. On the other hand, I’m now living with a bunch of APO brothers (that’s not the good part) in a house with central air and DSL (that’s the good part). So yummy connection and no humidity, and I got to set my Linux box up again… Not that I have anything to do with it at the moment except route my desktop and laptop to the same ip address, but it’s still fun. :)

Sleep-deprived

I can’t believe I’m fucking awake at this hour. And of course, I couldn’t go to sleep once it hit 3:30am for fear of not waking up at 7am to get ready for my interview. Somebody shoot me.

uhh, oops?

okay, yeah, on clearer, non-middle-of-the-night thought, that coulda had something to do with the fact that I slept really really late on sunday.

Who needs sleep?

Okay, this spate of insomnia I’ve been having has hit an all time low. WTF am I awake at 5am? Damn meds. Well, I’ve played around on the web enough, yet again. Hopefully this time I’ll actually sleep.

I can’t get no motivation

I have a million things to do this week (being the last week of classes for the term) and I don’t feel like doing a damn one of them. What I really want to do is go curl up under the bedcovers. I only just a minute ago got around to taking a shower.

I don’t see how anyone can think that life as we know it was created with any purpose in mind. If it was, then it would have to make a hell of a lot more sense then it does. instead, life is full of missed opportunities and bad timing. just when a certain part of my life starts to come into focus, something changes before I have a chance to experience my newfound understanding. If there’s any justice, this situation will work out… but I hate waiting.

While I treasure the good parts of my life, which I would never have thought possible a few years ago, I hate that I still feel like so much is missing. I’m tired of feeling like I’m going through life alone so much of the time. I just want someone to hold me and make everything okay.

Okay, enough of this sob fest. If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding under the blanket.