Am I there yet?

I wish, I wish, I wish the term was over. I have no idea if I’m going to pass all my classes or not, and I know I will be severely disappointed in myself if I don’t. I handed in a particularly dismal rendition of a term project today because I was unable to get started on it throughout the term. This term has been particularly horrible in that respect. I’ve been under the ball, rather than on it, and it’s taking its toll. I missed extreme numbers of classes from the beginning of the term because I would be unable to rouse myself from bed in the morning, or just didn’t care enough to run to class late.

Christmas is coming soon, and I’m very happy for that. I love the holiday. Even though I don’t consider myself Christian anymore, I love the chance to be with my family, snug and cozy next to the tree. This year, I have someone else to share that joy with, as my sweetie will be visiting my family with me. My family includes most of my favorite people in the world. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. I would never have gotten this far without their support. I can’t wait for Ed to spend more time with them.

Happy thoughts are around the corner, and I know that once I have my grades, I will be able to relax and enjoy vacation. It’s the waiting that kills me. If I fail something, I’ll have a good cry, but it will be over, and life will go on. If I have to, I’ll finish something at another school, because I don’t know if I can stand to be here another term. If I pass, I will be annoyed with myself, because I know that I haven’t done my best this term. I possess a startling ability to pull myself through classes when I have given up all hope, but there are some classes in which I have been doing worse than usual. After being unable to get myself started in the beginning of the term, it has become a long slump to the finish. Everything stressed me out so much that I couldn’t do anything about it until the last minute, when I didn’t care how I did it anymore. It’s a stupid attitude, because I know I’m intelligent, but it sticks with me to this day.

Right now, my neck feels like every muscle is tightened to its limit, my tummy is upset for who knows what reason, and I’m so tired. My mind is not going to stop worrying until grades are in, so it’s going to be a long time until next Friday. The horrible project I mentioned earlier is worth 60 percent of my grade, so although I surprised myself with an 82 percent on the midterm exam, I’m sure there is still a very real possibility that I will fail this course. I never should have taken a 400 level course, my mind was just not up to the challenge. I just want to know, dammit, so I can get on with my life.

Tori Tori Tori

I went to see Tori Amos in concert again on Friday. It was awesome, as usual. She played “Take the Sky”, which is one of my all-time favorite b-sides. This concert seemed a little different. She played more songs from her latest album than usual. I was a little disappointed, but there were still some of the classics, including “Tear in Your Hand”, one of my favorites from Little Earthquakes. “Black Dove”, “Crucify”, and “Cornflake Girl” also made appearances, as well as songs from To Venus and Back and Boys For Pele, which I haven’t heard too much of in concert.

It was a long concert, and despite it not having quite as much energy as some of the others I’ve seen, it was a wonderful experience.

Check out the rest of the entry for the review I wrote for The Triangle.

What about freedom of wallet?

Oddly enough, I hadn’t heard about the Karyn Bosnak controversy until recently. I don’t quite understand the level of animosity that seems to be directed at her, as reported by CNN. Is consumer debt in general shallow? Sure. Is $20k a lot of money? Hell yeah. However, it’s a free country and people are free to do what they want with their money. I’m not talking about Karyn, I’m talking about the people who sent her their hard-earned cash.

Consumer debt sucks. I know, I have my own. So does most of America, though granted, we don’t all have $20k worth. Some of my money decisions were bad, some were made out of desperation. I’m still trying to get through college, after all. I will freely admit that I’ve made my mistakes, and I’d be highly surprised if any of those critics were perfect.

If you’re going to berate Karyn, then you should include those who sent her money. After all, they could have given their money to the beggar on the corner, but they didn’t. Personally, I don’t give money to beggars. It’s not that I don’t empathize with them, but I live in a big city (Philadelphia) and get accosted way too often to be able to give handouts to everyone. A fellow student I once worked with said that he came from a small town and handed out like $20 in change the first week he was in the city. Besides, I hear the same stories way too many times to quite believe them. After all, how many guys can be bicycling around town trying to get their daughter’s asthma medicine? Or how many people can be walking up Lancaster Avenue asking for directions to a town 10 miles away?

My point is, these people made their money, they can give it to whomever they want. And, in fact, it is a gift, and therefore covered by the IRS rules therein.

Hate Karyn if you will. Encourage people to put their money elsewhere if you want. I’m sure you could convince some of them. But don’t wish her dead, or I hope that your karma speaks for itself.

Stuck

Why don’t I ever learn? Time and time again, I put things off for laziness or fear of failure or whatever and rush to do them at the last minute with substandard work. It’s habits like this that make me think I’ll never succeed in the real world. If I can’t stop this behavior now, how is it going to be any different in the real world, where they don’t take such bs? Here it is, the end of my college career, and I’m no better off than when I started.

Maybe I’m just destined to be a failure.

Nifty!

This bag is so cool.

Update: My sweetie got it for me!

YAWN

Well, it’s been a long night, but I have my site updated at my new host, and I even managed to implement the pseudo-template idea I’d had in mind. I used PHP variables and includes to control how the header and footer files turn out, but it’s not really templating since I still have a PHP file for each page on my site. However, it’s much easier to update, since each page is just a set of variables, an included header, the content, and the footer. For most changes, except the most drastic, I shouldn’t have to change anything but the header and footer files. I thought about doing a real templating system, but frankly, the ones out there confused me, and I don’t feel that I have the time to understand them. Dynamic pages also produce ugly URLs unless one uses something like mod_rewrite, and I definitely don’t have the time for that.

Maybe once I’m out of school (she says for the 42 millionth time).

Now it’s way past my bedtime, and I have homework to do tomorrow, so off to dreamland for me!

Success?

If you can see this, my hosting move has been successful. I am now located at BlogOMania.

I’m a guitar-strumming fool.

I passed my guitar class midterm! Woohoo! I still need to practice more, but he said that he could see that I knew the notes and most of the chords and just needed to work on the fingering.